Thursday, July 29, 2010

Horror Musical Marathon Number 3: NOCTURNA! Granddaughter of Dracula

NOCTURNA: Granddaughter of Dracula (1979)
After a long hiatus, I am back for part 3 of my "Horror Musical" Marathon! I have a feeling I was subconsciously trying to delay because I kinda knew what I was in for with this one...

Nocturna; Grand Daughter of Dracula is a (you ready?) SEX DISCO MUSICAL! Well, not entirely a musical. No one actually breaks into song and dance randomly, but about 50 of the 75 minutes of this film is filled with generic disco (Generic enough for me to fish out a soundtrack on Ebay...) by the likes of Gloria Gaynor and Moment of Truth (?). The other 25 minutes?? Well, let me explain.....
Count Dracula (played by John Carradine) is getting old, running a hotel in Transylvania for tax reasons because he's poor and all he really wants is for his grand daughter, Nocturna to find a man and be happy. "How about that werewolf down the road?" he asks.. Didn't we learn from Twilight that werewolves and vampires CAN'T co exist? Duh, grandpa! And another thing...VAMPIRES DON'T AGE!
So, Nocturna meets the new house band in the hotel and immediately hits it off with the guitarist, Jimmy who looks like Pygar from "Barbarella". They talk for too long, then we watch them make out in the nude for too long. Nocturna then decides that she is in love and wants to live with this mortal musician in New York. So she goes regardless of what Pappy Dracula says.
While in New York she meets up with the B.S.A. (Blood Suckers of America) and meets Jugula, a sort of motherly figure who happens to be kind of a whore. The B.S.A. is quite a motley crew. Stereotypes run amok with an Italian gangster, a black pimp, an old Jewish couple and a few prostitutes. As it turns out the major cities have a shortage of good blood because of sugar, cocaine and other 1970's vices. Too many diabetics and junkies for vamps to suck on....
Even though she is advised against it by grandpa and Jugula, she keeps pursuing Jimmy and decides she wants to be mortal. After a grass smoking scene, she confides in Jimmy and tells him that she is who she is. Jimmy doesnt seem to care. I don't either. The acting is horrendous and this is basically a glorified porno, which is why this movie is so frustrating. It doesn't know what it is or what it wants. The sex isn't titilating, the comedy is far from funny and I have feeling that this movie was only made to sell disco LP's.
Nocturna, played by Nai Bonet is essentially a brick wall. She doesn't blink and she doesn't emote. It's quite frustrating because this is HER movie. John Carradine as the aging Dracula looks as depressed and half dead as his character does. Poor guy. He even has to pretend to enjoy a sex scene in a coffin with Jugula. Groan. Groan. Groan.

Score: -9.
It would've been -10 but I kind of enjoyed the soundtrack. (5 more days in my Ebay auction!)
Reedemable?; No. This thing seems like fun on paper, but its not. Not at all. So don't bother.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Episode 16: The Wicker Man (remake); or "How'd It Get Burned?"

The "Cage" is in full rage mode in this naughties remake of the 1973 classic British thriller!

The Wicker Man (2006)
Starring: Nicholas Cage
Directed and written by: Neil LaBute

Download on ITUNES!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Comic Con 2010

Tomorrow (Friday) I will make my way South to the madhouse known as Comic-Con. Any listeners out there wanna hook up and trash talk Seth Rogen, Steven Spielberg and the like, let me know.
I'll be twatting all day or just @cinemasochists

Wish me luck and when I return, I'll have sold 4 screenplays and have gotten a bit part in Iron Man 6: Stark Naked!

See you for the next episode!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Episode 15 or; Marky Mark and the Funky Plants

You freeze. You walk backwards. You DIE.....from laughter. Wowie wow, was this movie terrible. This week we "happened" upon "The Happening", M. Night Shayamalalalmaman's take on a George Romero movie. Jake insists on hating, although he's seen it 4 times. Sean tries to find good in it and Michael laughs.. A LOT.

The Happening - 2008

Starring; Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo

Written and directed by; M. Night Shayamalan


Download this episode on ITUNES!!

or listen to it HERE!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Episode 14: KUFFS or; Schmeverly Schmills Cop

Jack Nichols-- I mean, Christian Slater plays George Kuffs; a womanizing, fast talking, public safety cop. Boredom and lackluster jokes ensue...
Special guest this week is Noah Green!

KUFFS - 1992
Starring: Christian Slater, Milla Jovovich
Directed by: Bruce Evans
Written by: Bruce Evans and Raynold Gideon

..or download it on ITUNES!
(feedback would be nice...)