“You Know I Just Wanna ROCK-U-LA or; I Can’t Make This Shit Up”

Every Tuesday for the next 6 weeks I'm going to write about a different "Horror Rock Musical" that I've unearthed from the vaults of cinema crap-dom. I decided to start my marathon with 1990's “Rockula”. It’s actually an interesting choice, considering how it wasn’t much of a horror film, more like a sex-comedy musical about a cursed vampire in love. I think. I don’t know…I should’ve started with something else… Oh well.

Our protagonist, Ralph is a 300 year old vampire stuck in a 20 something’s body. His mother, played by Toni Basil is also a centuries old vampire stuck in a 20 something’s body…She likes to sing….

Poor Ralph has been cursed. Every 22 years he runs into, Mona, the girl of his dreams. But every time he finds her, these goddamn peg legged pirates kidnap her and take her away. WHAT?!?! Yeah, this whole movie is chock full of ‘em.

So, Ralph’s friends consist of a couple bar dudes, his reflection and Bo Diddley…No, really. Bo Diddley. Luckily the bar dudes and Bo can play instruments because the only way to impress this 1980’s incarnation of Mona is to be a rock star because Mona too, is a rock star.

The villain is Stanley (played with hammy perfection by Thomas Dolby) and he will stop at nothing to divert Mona’s attention away from Ralph. He even somehow obtains a cryogenic freezing chamber from a gypsy to capture Mona and freeze her so she doesn’t have to kiss Ralph….. (?) Whatever. Either way, after a half dozen or more genre jumping musical numbers (RAPULA anyone?) and a confusing confrontation with Stanley, Ralph gets the girl and they live eternally ever after.

Rockula is forgotten for a reason. It’s very much a cash-in of Porky’s, Teen Wolf, Monster Squad and perhaps Rocky Horror Picture Show. Although as silly and slightly entertaining as it is, by the end I’m bored to tears and I have a sneaking suspicion the people involved in making this were too. Don’t expect the Rockula remake anytime soon. This will be stuck in the vaults forever.

Sean - 4-13-2010

ROCKULA

Directed by: Luca Bercovici

Written by: Luca Bercovici and Jefrey Levy

Starring: Dean Cameron, Toni Basil, Thomas Dolby, Bo Diddley and Tawny Fere

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100506/