Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Cine-menus Number 1: Kangaroo Jack

Dinner, and a movie.

The timeless art of romantic seduction, dating back to the days of Shakespeare.

Who amongst us could forget the moment in which Romeo and Juliet ever-so-cinematically laid eyes upon one another for the first time in 1996 through that stupid fish tank at the annual Capulet masquerade dinner party. I was eating popcorn, but I probably would have found some redemption in that god-awful scene had someone handed me a bucket of caviar instead.

And so, in true cinemasochist style, Mama Maria’s kitchen has opened its ovens this year in the hopes of finding some semblance of appropriate meals that will help viewers, if nothing else, eat their way through moronic movies.

Winner of last year’s best Culinary CineMENUchists Meal:

KING KONG: Monkeying Around In the Kitchen.

Tostones topped with fresh shrimp and cilantro ceviche.

For dessert, we enjoyed chocolate dipped banana Monkey Pops (or, as the locals more commonly now refer to them: Shitty Dick Sticks) – thanks to Claire Crespo for the inspiration for those ediblely inappropriate gems.

Which brings us to 2011 and the first cinemenu of the year.

KANGAROO JACK: A few less shrimp on the Barbie, or “A Fair Suck of the Sac!”


Monterey JACK cheese and “Crack-a-Fat” crackers.


“Rip Snortin” Rissoles w/ Baked “Bushman” Butternut Squash & “Fair Dinkum” Fennel


If a croquette and a meatball had an Australian baby, it would be a perfect meat patty and they would name it rissole.

1/2 red onion, finely chopped

1 bunch fresh parsley, chopped

2 eggs

A sprinkle of spiced seasonings to taste.

Ground turkey burger.

Mix ingredients together and shape into palm-size patties.

Coat patties in flour.

Brown Rissoles in sauce pan with olive oil.


Slice the butternut squash and chop off the rind – feel free to make fun shapes with your slices – much like the fun facial expressions of Kangaroo Jack himself!

Place them in a baking pan.

Thinly slice a bulb of fennel and sprinkle slices generously over the butternut squash.

Cover with olive oil and paprika.

Bake at 350 until fennel is browned and the squash is fork-poke soft.


“Down Under” Damper w/ “Ankle Biter” Apples.

Despite its unappetizing name, Damper is a delightfully light sweet bread which looks

and tastes much like a scone. You can make this over an open fire, in true kangaroo style, or in a regular oven, like the rest of the civilized world.


2 cups flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons sugar

2 tablesoons butter

1 cup soy milk

3 baby jazz apples

Chop and pre-bake apples covered in sugar, butter, and cinnamon at 350 for about 20 mintues.

Mix flour, salt, and sugar together in a bowl.

Cut butter into small bits and knead it into the flour mixture forming a bread crumb-like consistency.

Add milk and knead again until your hands are too sticky to turn on the sink without making a mess or getting stuck to the faucet.

Flatten the dough onto a sheet of parchment paper.

Separate into circular-ish pieces. Fill the small dough pieces (ala turnover style) with apples.

Bake again for another 20-30 minutes at 350.

Try and enjoy your meal, despite the fact that you are watching Kangaroo Jack.

Til next time,

Stay hungry,

Mama Maria.


Monday, January 24, 2011

Cinemasochists presents.. Episode 26; Kangaroo Jack or; Kangaroo Crap?

A rapping Kanagroo, Chris Walken as Marlon Brando and Jerry O Connell skinny dipping. Sounds great, doesn't it?

(you can actually buy it for ONE CENT!)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Cinemasochists presents.. Episode 25; Planet of The Apes...Burton style

I cant believe we're already at episode 25....Sheesh.

Recorded on at Echo Park Film Center on my (Sean's) birthday back in December, Episode 25 is a personal favorite. We lay into Tim Burtons beyond lackluster "Planet of The Apes" remake. As I say early on, it was quite a missed opportunity. If you have doubts, listen to this and go watch the original! Enjoy!


buy on Amazon....But, really...Dont.

Sean's 2010 in film

We here at Cinemasochists celebrate all things BAD in cinema. We don't want to add insult to injury, so we're not out for blood. I've personally, grown quite a tolerance and even fondness for crappy films. I even apply the criteria I use on this show as a way to rate "good" films. The threshold has gotten very high and I must say, it makes me appreciate even the most "average" of films.
Supposedly, this year brought on a SLEW of trite garbage, like The Bounty Hunter, Valentines Day, Last Airbender, etc. I have not seen most of these films, but I'm sure 2011 will bring a few to our podcast. If we give it at least a year, at least we have perspective.
That being said, I've put together a list of enjoyable cinematic experiences for 2010. . I have not seen all of the films I was "supposed" to see, but of what I've seen, this is what I dug the most!

BEST WORST MOVIE - It was a pleasure interviewing Michael Paul Stephenson and Dr. Hardy this last summer for the podcast. Everything about this documentary is genuine. In the age of irony, this documentary proves that Troll 2 isn't just a joke, but a sincere look into an eccentric mans mind and the joy films can bring to people, whether it's "good" or "bad".

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP - On the other hand, here's a documentary that is about art and how the media and money turn it on its head and make it something it actually isn't. It's brilliantly executed regardless if it's a hoax or not. Sorry, Joaquin Phoenix......

BLACK SWAN - As I watched this in a crowded theatre, I realized I was the only one laughing... Is the joke on me? Not sure, but seeing this bombastic piece of dare I say, exploitation, made me want to go read Fangoria and watch Suspiria again. I was not expecting to react the way I did, but I commend Darren Aronofsky for bringing this to the table. This may be his best work yet. It's simplicity is, I believe, on purpose and I appreciate that because on the surface it seems more than it is. See this in a big, loud movie theatre.

INCEPTION/SHUTTER ISLAND - Speaking of bombastic...This film had to be so big, that Hans Zimmer commissioned a Dinosaur orchestra to pull off his score. How great is it that in this "recession" era, we get an original movie that costs more than a few European countries and it actually worked? Christopher Nolan's epic wasn't as emotionally involved as Martin Scorsese's "Shutter Island" but both looked amazing and hopefully we can see more stuff like this in the next few years.

TRUE GRIT/ WINTERS BONE - Two films about young girls putting their noses where they shouldn't. One is brown and dusty, the other blue and muggy. One is uplifting and fun while the other is kind of slow and heartbreaking. Both had amazing performances in the young female protagonists, a creepy villain (John Hawkes was especially outstanding in Winters Bone) and an off kilter crew of supporting players that I wasn't sure if I should laugh or feel sorry for them. Most importantly though, they both gestated in my brain long after watching and after I initially shrugging BOTH off, I have come to love them both and can't wait to see them again.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK / SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD - My two most enjoyable filmgoing experiences of the year came from 2 very opposite films. While Fincher's Social Network uses words as action, Edgar Wright's SPVTW uses intricate, A.D.D. editing and video game visuals as action. Both leads (Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera) are mistaken for each other in real life and both characters are tragic, yet confident social misfits who will do whatever it takes to get a girls attention. On the surface they seem to be about something else, but really they're both about young men figuring themselves out, even if it involves the loss of friends or digital dragons....

Honorable mentions: Machete, 127 Hours, Despicable Me